I'm still not enough
...and other rancid beliefs I found in a bag of my ex's clothes on the 1-year anniversary of shit hitting the fan
*note to self* close the bathroom door when recording video so you don’t have to look at the toilet seat next to me. Sorry guys! 🤦🏽♀️
So yeah. It’s been almost a year since my life blew up like a supernova. It hadn’t even occurred to me except that 3 weeks ago I started having bouts of crying on the way to Home Depot while listening to Run DMC or I’d get hit with a wave of nostalgia about nothing while trying to squeeze an annoying baby cactus spine out of my thumb.
And then I remembered…anniversary reaction!
A year ago, I was living in a self-created mirage of telling myself everything was working out for me when “reality” was glaringly telling me the opposite…
My ex suddenly broke up with me. I had a rapidly depleting bank account where more days than not I’d wonder how long Lovebug & I could get by on an 1/8 tank of gas in my car and a few pieces of chicken in the fridge unless a money miracle came in. And while we’re talking miracles, it’s gonna take a huge one for me to stay in my dream home and buy it because I just cancelled another unsold retreat with my BFF.
But hold on Gladys, miracles happen in a millisecond and everything’s always working out for you and all of this will change if your vibration is high enough to match your dreams…so get a cookie to celebrate and keep that vibe high!
By October of last year, I threw my belongings and broken dreams into the trunk of my car and drove up to California with no GPS guiding me forward. After the final straw was gently placed on my lap in the parking lot of a MINI dealership in LA, my spirit finally broke - along with everything else. For months, I lived suspended in a void of nothingness where everything I believed in vanished and all I wanted was to press ‘Game Over’ on my life.
No wonder I’ve been feeling tender lately.
The anniversary you’re not celebrating (but should)
If you’re not familiar with anniversary reactions, they’re reactivations of thoughts and emotions you felt around a traumatic event from the past, leading you to feel emotions more intensely than normal around the anniversary date of the trauma.
For me, anniversary reactions start in my body first, meaning I’m not thinking about the traumatic event but rather feeling the residual impact of it in my body. For example, I used to get more body aches, get easily triggered, and feel sad for “no reason” about one month before my mom’s death anniversary each year like clockwork. It took about 5 years of this happening when I finally made the connection that this was an anniversary reaction (these are the times I’m grateful I got a doctorate in clinical psychology).
Your mind isn’t the only thing that remembers. You have cellular memory. Your muscles have memory. So if you went through a super intense time in your life where your stomach was clenched and your diaphragm was tight from barely breathing as fear or worry or anger or grief swelled up inside you, your body’s gonna remember it and may just go back to bracing itself like it did before - to protect you.
So give your body some big fucking love for that. And while you’re at it, give the rest of you some massive love too because you know what? You made it through that shit. And here you are, taking time to read this so thank you.
Bring the champagne…or a box of tissues
For years, the anniversary reactions around my mom’s death led me to a downslide of rehashing my grief as if it was happening all over again. Then around the 10-year mark, it got a little easier as I wove in rituals to celebrate her. And for the past few years, I don’t remember it’s her anniversary until the week of…and she doesn’t need me to remember. She’s happily still with me, enjoying putting reminders of her presence wherever I go.
So all of that to say, you get to choose what your anniversary reaction is like. If it’s an invitation to further grieve what you’ve gone through, receive the invitation and give yourself the space to go all in on your grief. Help your body out by letting the intense energy of the past wash through you (that’s why crying is great, people).
And…
If you want to celebrate the anniversary this time, then celebrate YOU for living through that shit. Go all out, honey. You made it. None of it broke you…yes it did. AND! You’re still fucking here. Head held high. Heart even more wide open. Not letting any of the old, rancid “you’re not enough” or “you’re gonna fuck this up” beliefs rain on your garden party anymore.
Watch the video below to see what my anniversary reaction to shit hitting the fan last year is looking like so far…excuse the toilet bowl in the background.
Would love to hear what came up for you and if you’ve got any anniversary reactions you’d like to share and celebrate with me, leave them in the comments below…